Reflecting on Joy and the Atonement

Lately, I've been reflecting on what brings joy to my life. I'm not talking about mere happiness, like the happiness of finding an awesome pair of shoes on sale. I'm talking about joy...that beautiful, warm, peaceful, sweet feeling that seems to fill our hearts with a feeling of love and pure light. This beautiful, peaceful joy has filled my heart on many occasions, both during happy and during sad occasions. In fact, it's been during some of my most difficult, trying times, that I have felt this joy most profoundly. So, this joy is not dependent on my situation or my surroundings, rather it comes from having my heart in the right place. It comes when I open my heart and invite my Savior to fill it with His love. That love, Christ's pure love, is truly the most precious gift that one can possess. In fact, it's the only thing in this world that can guarantee joy. I like that thought. Nothing else can guarantee joy: Not riches, not beauty, not prestige, not popularity, not marriage, not children, not excitement, not vacations, not friends, nor any thing else. Because you can always find people who have those things, who are miserable and full of despair. But a heart full of the love of God will never and can never be full of despair, because God's love is full of hope and joy. God is the source of gratitude, compassion, humility, and all things good. No, we aren't always going to be "happy", but we can strive to always feel this joy. Even a heart that is aching with sorrow can feel this peace and love. God's love is a very real and physical feeling. It comforts and heals and fills us with true joy, a joy that can't be obtained from any other source. 

On that note, how do I find this joy when my heart feels dark and cold, when I'm angry and frustrated. I've been giving this a lot of thought. Every time I do something wrong...when I say something unkind, when I'm selfish or prideful...I feel awful. Sometimes, I'll justify my sin and not think about the consequences, and for a time I might avoid that awful feeling...but eventually, when I truly own up to what I've done, I feel yucky. I feel guilt and sadness.  I think about the consequences of my sin: How my words or actions have  hurt someone else or how my thoughts or actions have disappointed my loving Heavenly Father. Each sin has a ripple effect. It affects our character, our attitude, our reputation, our spiritual well-being, our ability to feel peace. It can also affect others. It can cause sadness and hurt to those who witness the sin and to those who have been directly affected by our sin. Every single sin that we commit does harm, whether to ourselves or others. And once it's committed, there's really nothing that WE can do to undo it. It's done. Our soul is stained with that sin. We have literally become a different person. We are changed for the worse. Our light, our integrity, is dimmed. The harm and hurt to others has been done. We can't do a single thing about it.  Each one of our sins has a heavy price. That price is the full effect of our sin, with all its suffering, sadness, and hurt...the entire negative ripple effect. I don't think we can even comprehend just how great that price is. We can feel bad for what we've done, but our feeling bad doesn't take away the effects of that sin.

Jesus Christ

This is where Christ's Atonement comes in. Think about it. What a wonderful plan! Our sweet and loving Savior came into this world and lived a perfect life. His soul was free from any earthly stains. And he willingly decided to pay the full price for each one of my sins, meaning that he suffered all the pain, hurt and sorrow associated with every single one of my sins. And not just my sins, but of every single person's sins on this earth throughout history. Just think of all the awful things that have been done, all the hurt, the abuse, the violence, all of it, every last terrible act...our brother, Jesus Christ, suffered and paid the full effect of each and every wrong ever committed. In all the history of the world, no other person has suffered even a millionth of what he suffered on our behalf.....But because He loved us so much and was willing to "buy" our freedom from the effects of our sins, we are free to repent. We no longer have to pay for our own sins (which we can't anyways), all we need to do is to acknowledge His ultimate sacrifice on our behalf, repent and commit ourselves to follow Him. As we do this, he washes the effects of sin from our souls and we are literally cleansed from all our dark stains. But, he can't cleanse us unless we choose to be cleansed. The choice is ours. He has paid the price already, but it's up to us to allow Him to into our hearts. We have to want His peace and love more than we want the praise of the world, more than we want our sins. We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to desire perfection. We have to want to be cleansed from sin. We have to desire to become more like Him and to live our lives in a way that is pleasing to Him. What a loving and beautiful plan. The most wonderful part about it is that when we follow Him, we are filled with joy. 

Anyways, as I have pondered these thoughts on joy and sin and repentance this past week, I've been overwhelmed with gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm amazed at what he's done for me and for each person on this earth. He provided a way for me to experience joy, real beautiful joy...and to return to a joyful state of heart even after I've been selfish and prideful and have done things that have hurt myself and others. He loves me so much, that He is constantly beckoning to me to choose His way...His joyful, peaceful path. His invitation is constant and all-inclusive.  He is the path to joy. All that is good comes from Him. He has asked us to be grateful, compassionate, kind, humble, selfless, service-minded, considerate, obedient and loving. All the things that He asks us to be and do, will eventually bring us joy. As we gaze with gratitude and wonder at our precious children, we are filled with joy. As we serve a stranger in need, we feel joy. As we humbly acknowledge our dependence on God, we are filled with joy. As we  bask in the beauty of God's creations, we are filled with awe and joy. That joy comes when we open our hearts and allow His love to flow into our souls. His precious love fills us with light and peace. It enlarges our character and our souls and allows us to experience true joy.

Feeling profoundly grateful today for my Savior, who is the source of joy.

To Serve or Not to Serve-The Twin Sister Missionary Question

My vivacious & fun  Michaela

Almost exactly 2 weeks after sending Michaela off on her mission to Germany with much fanfare and excitement, we sent Kiana (her twin sister) to Idaho for her sophomore year of college, with less fanfare but with just as much love, concern and gratitude for the choices that she has made. I've had a unique opportunity to mother two amazing, spiritually-mature, capable, grounded, and wonderful twin girls, one of which has chosen to serve a mission for her church and the other who has decided that a mission is not in her plans at this time.

My tenderhearted & cute Kiana

Although in our church all worthy young men are strongly encouraged to serve a full-time mission, young women are not under the same obligation. It is a completely voluntary decision. Granted, with the recent age change at which young women can serve missions, a much higher percentage of young women are now choosing to serve missions. And, naturally, it puts a little more pressure on all young women. Where it used to be that a young woman choosing to serve a mission was an exception to the rule, it’s now almost as if a worthy, active young woman not serving a mission is an exception to the rule. This pressure bothers many young women, but, really, it’s just a result of the numbers. If you’re at a party and talking to a group of 5 students and 4 of them tell you that they are majoring in engineering, you automatically ask the 5^th student what his or her major is. You don’t intend to put pressure on him, it’s just that you now have information about 4 of the 5 group members and you want to fill the informational void about the fifth. And I agree that there are more tactful and less tactful ways to get that information. For example, I could ask “Are you majoring in engineering, too?” which puts a little more pressure on the individual than asking: “So, what are your plans?” Anyways, I could go on and on about tact and what to say and what not to say, but the fact remains that those young women not serving missions will get asked (and asked often) whether or not they are planning on serving a mission. And if your twin sister is has announced that she is serving a mission, then you get asked that question even more than most people…which brings me back to my sweet Kiana.

8 yr old soccer buddies

My twin girls are best friends, but they are also very, very different. In fact, of all my children, those two are probably the most different from each other than any of the others, but not in a ‘good and bad’ way; but rather they are different in a ‘good and good’ way. For example, they’re both smart, but have drastically different learning styles. They’re both strikingly beautiful in their own individual way. They both love fashion but have extremely different clothing preferences. They’re both social but have very different mannerisms and interact with others very differently. They’re both athletic, but excel at different sports in different ways. And they are both deeply spiritual, but differ in how publicly or privately they are comfortable expressing their spirituality. 

Both girls have given the decision to serve or not to serve much thought and prayer and both girls have received different answers to those prayers. And, as parents, we are equally proud of them. The fact that they both are actively seeking the Lord’s guidance in their lives is enough to make any parent happy. Yes, we are thrilled that Michaela is serving a mission…very, very thrilled. But that does not diminish the love, gratitude and respect that we have for Kiana and her decisions. She is a remarkable young woman with a heart of gold. She has high aspirations for her education and her future and she is working diligently to meet her goals. She is determined, thoughtful and has a resolute strength about her. Her sweet, calm, and caring maternal influence is such a blessing in our home. She touches many lives with her selfless, quiet service and when she’s gone, we all feel the void of her absence. Although, leaving on a 18 month mission naturally elicits more fanfare and attention than merely returning to college for your sophomore year, we sent her off to school yesterday with just as much love, joy, and hope for her success as her twin received 2 weeks ago. It was a quieter farewell, but no less heartfelt.

Photos by Jenny Brooke Photography

As I contemplated the difference between the two farewells  (Michaela’s farewell with all the family activities, the open house, speaking in church, the pictures and all the excitement and well-wishes compared to Kiana’s farewell which consisted of a few shopping trips to get some needed college items and some quiet family time) I was struck by Kiana’s selfless, composed, and almost regal demeanor. She has never once even hinted at feeling anything except joy and excitement for her sister’s upcoming mission. She has given Michaela her full support and love. There has been absolutely no jealousy, envy or complaining. When countless people have asked her over and over if she’s planning on a mission, her answer is always sweet and polite; never annoyed or exasperated. As I've observed my beautiful, poised, gracious Kiana this summer, my heart has swelled with pride at the wonderful young woman that she has become. I’m amazed at her growth, her composure and her maturity. And I’m excited to see what her future holds for her.  Similarly, when I think of my energetic and vibrant Michaela serving her mission with so much passion and enthusiasm for the Lord’s work, I am equally proud of and grateful for the young woman that she has become. They are each precious daughters of God with so much potential for good. They each love their Savior and understand the joy and peace that comes through following His will.  Although their paths are different, they are equally honorable and noble. I couldn't be more pleased with their choices and decisions—both for the missionary twin and for the college student twin. From the moment they were born, I knew that Heavenly Father had entrusted us with some very special spirits.  And words can’t express the joy and gratitude that I feel for the blessing and honor of being the mother of these two remarkable young women.  

My sweet twinners. (Photos by Jenny Brooke Photography)

Good, good memories with our "Bad, Bad Babies"

Karl as Vizzini, Kiana as Buttercup,
Ben as Wesley in our "Princess Bride"

In the month before Michaela left on her mission, she had a mission of her own...to fill every day creating fun memories with her family. One of the things she insisted on was that we make a music video. At first, we had a hard time getting motivated. Then we had a hard time finding an open day when we were all home. It was also hard to find a good song to use in our video. We LOVE Sandra Boynton's CD's and have almost all of them. She writes such fun and clever music. We finally decided on "Bad, Bad Babies." No, we don't think that our babies are bad, but it's just a cute song from the perspective of a 5 year old who is fed up with babies and toddlers who are always being naughty. 

Fezzik (Dallin) climbs the
"Cliffs of Insanity" with Inigo
Montoya (Kandra), Vizzini and
Buttercup.

So, we FINALLY got around to filming our little music video on Michaela's very last day at home and we created some very fun memories in the process. The little ones had fun being "bad babies" and we had fun doing something goofy together as a family.
We always have fun making our "movies". We filmed a "Princess Bride" spoof the week before Ben left on his mission (as you can see in the photos), however, I'm not posting that one, even though it's hilarious (at least it is for us). We also made a "Finding Nemo" video earlier this year, where we all swam around like fish...just goofy stuff, but good memories. Sometimes good memories are spontaneous and sometimes you really have to do a lot of planning to make them happen. But either way, they are priceless and  make up the strong foundation stones in our family structure. Each family has those funny goofy moments that tie them together and make them stronger. It's so important to celebrate those moments and to record them for our children and our posterity, because those moments are the foundation on which our children will build their future families.