To Serve or Not to Serve-The Twin Sister Missionary Question

My vivacious & fun  Michaela

Almost exactly 2 weeks after sending Michaela off on her mission to Germany with much fanfare and excitement, we sent Kiana (her twin sister) to Idaho for her sophomore year of college, with less fanfare but with just as much love, concern and gratitude for the choices that she has made. I've had a unique opportunity to mother two amazing, spiritually-mature, capable, grounded, and wonderful twin girls, one of which has chosen to serve a mission for her church and the other who has decided that a mission is not in her plans at this time.

My tenderhearted & cute Kiana

Although in our church all worthy young men are strongly encouraged to serve a full-time mission, young women are not under the same obligation. It is a completely voluntary decision. Granted, with the recent age change at which young women can serve missions, a much higher percentage of young women are now choosing to serve missions. And, naturally, it puts a little more pressure on all young women. Where it used to be that a young woman choosing to serve a mission was an exception to the rule, it’s now almost as if a worthy, active young woman not serving a mission is an exception to the rule. This pressure bothers many young women, but, really, it’s just a result of the numbers. If you’re at a party and talking to a group of 5 students and 4 of them tell you that they are majoring in engineering, you automatically ask the 5^th student what his or her major is. You don’t intend to put pressure on him, it’s just that you now have information about 4 of the 5 group members and you want to fill the informational void about the fifth. And I agree that there are more tactful and less tactful ways to get that information. For example, I could ask “Are you majoring in engineering, too?” which puts a little more pressure on the individual than asking: “So, what are your plans?” Anyways, I could go on and on about tact and what to say and what not to say, but the fact remains that those young women not serving missions will get asked (and asked often) whether or not they are planning on serving a mission. And if your twin sister is has announced that she is serving a mission, then you get asked that question even more than most people…which brings me back to my sweet Kiana.

8 yr old soccer buddies

My twin girls are best friends, but they are also very, very different. In fact, of all my children, those two are probably the most different from each other than any of the others, but not in a ‘good and bad’ way; but rather they are different in a ‘good and good’ way. For example, they’re both smart, but have drastically different learning styles. They’re both strikingly beautiful in their own individual way. They both love fashion but have extremely different clothing preferences. They’re both social but have very different mannerisms and interact with others very differently. They’re both athletic, but excel at different sports in different ways. And they are both deeply spiritual, but differ in how publicly or privately they are comfortable expressing their spirituality. 

Both girls have given the decision to serve or not to serve much thought and prayer and both girls have received different answers to those prayers. And, as parents, we are equally proud of them. The fact that they both are actively seeking the Lord’s guidance in their lives is enough to make any parent happy. Yes, we are thrilled that Michaela is serving a mission…very, very thrilled. But that does not diminish the love, gratitude and respect that we have for Kiana and her decisions. She is a remarkable young woman with a heart of gold. She has high aspirations for her education and her future and she is working diligently to meet her goals. She is determined, thoughtful and has a resolute strength about her. Her sweet, calm, and caring maternal influence is such a blessing in our home. She touches many lives with her selfless, quiet service and when she’s gone, we all feel the void of her absence. Although, leaving on a 18 month mission naturally elicits more fanfare and attention than merely returning to college for your sophomore year, we sent her off to school yesterday with just as much love, joy, and hope for her success as her twin received 2 weeks ago. It was a quieter farewell, but no less heartfelt.

Photos by Jenny Brooke Photography

As I contemplated the difference between the two farewells  (Michaela’s farewell with all the family activities, the open house, speaking in church, the pictures and all the excitement and well-wishes compared to Kiana’s farewell which consisted of a few shopping trips to get some needed college items and some quiet family time) I was struck by Kiana’s selfless, composed, and almost regal demeanor. She has never once even hinted at feeling anything except joy and excitement for her sister’s upcoming mission. She has given Michaela her full support and love. There has been absolutely no jealousy, envy or complaining. When countless people have asked her over and over if she’s planning on a mission, her answer is always sweet and polite; never annoyed or exasperated. As I've observed my beautiful, poised, gracious Kiana this summer, my heart has swelled with pride at the wonderful young woman that she has become. I’m amazed at her growth, her composure and her maturity. And I’m excited to see what her future holds for her.  Similarly, when I think of my energetic and vibrant Michaela serving her mission with so much passion and enthusiasm for the Lord’s work, I am equally proud of and grateful for the young woman that she has become. They are each precious daughters of God with so much potential for good. They each love their Savior and understand the joy and peace that comes through following His will.  Although their paths are different, they are equally honorable and noble. I couldn't be more pleased with their choices and decisions—both for the missionary twin and for the college student twin. From the moment they were born, I knew that Heavenly Father had entrusted us with some very special spirits.  And words can’t express the joy and gratitude that I feel for the blessing and honor of being the mother of these two remarkable young women.  

My sweet twinners. (Photos by Jenny Brooke Photography)

Good, good memories with our "Bad, Bad Babies"

Karl as Vizzini, Kiana as Buttercup,
Ben as Wesley in our "Princess Bride"

In the month before Michaela left on her mission, she had a mission of her own...to fill every day creating fun memories with her family. One of the things she insisted on was that we make a music video. At first, we had a hard time getting motivated. Then we had a hard time finding an open day when we were all home. It was also hard to find a good song to use in our video. We LOVE Sandra Boynton's CD's and have almost all of them. She writes such fun and clever music. We finally decided on "Bad, Bad Babies." No, we don't think that our babies are bad, but it's just a cute song from the perspective of a 5 year old who is fed up with babies and toddlers who are always being naughty. 

Fezzik (Dallin) climbs the
"Cliffs of Insanity" with Inigo
Montoya (Kandra), Vizzini and
Buttercup.

So, we FINALLY got around to filming our little music video on Michaela's very last day at home and we created some very fun memories in the process. The little ones had fun being "bad babies" and we had fun doing something goofy together as a family.
We always have fun making our "movies". We filmed a "Princess Bride" spoof the week before Ben left on his mission (as you can see in the photos), however, I'm not posting that one, even though it's hilarious (at least it is for us). We also made a "Finding Nemo" video earlier this year, where we all swam around like fish...just goofy stuff, but good memories. Sometimes good memories are spontaneous and sometimes you really have to do a lot of planning to make them happen. But either way, they are priceless and  make up the strong foundation stones in our family structure. Each family has those funny goofy moments that tie them together and make them stronger. It's so important to celebrate those moments and to record them for our children and our posterity, because those moments are the foundation on which our children will build their future families.

Musings on Missions, Memories and Mortar

It's been a whirlwind week as we've been preparing for Michaela to leave on her mission. Michaela is our second child to choose to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Our oldest child, Benjamin, who is 21 years old, is currently serving a mission in Wisconsin. We spent these past few weeks packing in as many fun-filled, family memories as possible. It's during these times (when you know that you're about to send off a child into the world) that you really start pondering the importance and beauty of family. I was surprised that I wasn't more sad about Michaela leaving. It seems that when Ben left home, I felt much more panicky and upset about his departure. I saw it as an end of an era...an end of our family's "golden years." I just knew that the best years of my life (being a mother with all my children living at home) were over and that now I was entering a new and depressing era of goodbyes and separations. I felt like my purpose and joy in life was coming to an end. I felt panicky about all the wonderful experiences ending and becoming mere memories...and only fleeting memories
at that.

Kiana and Dallin

But over the past year, I've started realizing that while these precious moments seem to be fleeting and gone forever, that they aren't gone at all. They are a part of us. In fact, our precious family moments are the most lasting, permanent things in the world. They are lasting because they are the building blocks of our family. Each wonderful memory is like a solid brick in our foundation. All of our family traditions, special routines, family prayers, fun trips, games, family projects around the house, each cushion fort built in the family room and each family home evening, each funny family story, each smile, each family rule, each act of service, and each hug make up the bricks that are building our family. And the mortar that holds these bricks in place and makes our family truly strong is the love that we feel for each other. 

Dallin and Grandma Krey

So, what are we building with all these bricks and mortar? We're building a strong family--our family castle or fortress--an enduring structure that will protect, nurture and be a place of refuge for its inhabitants.  Each beautiful moment is like a brick that is permanently mortared into place. These memories aren't fleeting, they are solid, lasting and real. They are what define us, they are our foundation, our walls...all of these precious moments we have created, and that we continue to create, make our family what it is...and the most wonderful and hopeful thought is that we're nowhere near done building this family castle. We get to continue to build and build and build. Just because my children are moving out, doesn't mean that my castle is finished and that it will now become an old ruin.  It is forever a work in progress...and it will continue even after I'm not even around (what an awesome thought!!). In fact, as I look below all of our precious bricks and mortar, I see that we have built our castle on the foundation that our parents built for us and their foundation is built upon their parents' foundation and it goes on and on. In some cases, we have made changes in the foundation and structure. Now and then a weak, crumbing, self-centered brick (or even an entire wall) gets placed in the structure and we have to go through the repair process of removing it and replacing it with solid bricks. This always takes a lot of extra loving mortar, but in the end, we are stronger when the repair is done right. The repairs are difficult and sometimes painful, but because we are unified in creating the most beautiful and lasting family fortress, we know that it's worth it to do it right.

Grandma & Grandpa Krey with their
1+twins (the 1 is my mom)

Simon and big brother, Ben

So, as I've been pondering this very real family structure that we're building, I've been filled with hope. This morning, as Michaela boarded her plane, my panicky, sad feelings were replaced with anticipation to see what kind of beautiful additions she will create as her growth and experiences strengthen and build our family structure. And it's not just my missionaries that get me excited. I am JUST as excited for my beautiful Kiana to leave for college with all of her hopes and dreams for the future. I see her strength and resolve and I get excited about how her amazing example continues to affect her siblings in such positive and nurturing ways. We will all miss her so much when she leaves, but, even while she is living away from home, her loving influence is creating strong building blocks that continue to beautify and strengthen our family--brick by brick. And that is something to be excited about.

Me and Karl with our 1+ twins

It brings me comfort to think of these beautiful family memories as permanent bricks that will last for eternity, rather than as fleeting moments that are here today, but gone tomorrow. I can see that each interaction, each routine, each tradition that we are experiencing today has been built upon the good solid building block memories of the past. And together, they create strong, protective walls that radiate warmth and joy.

Christmas morning tradition of gathering
in mom and dad's bed before going down
to see tree.

And as I bask in the warmth and joy of each of these precious bricks that make up our unique, yet beautiful family structure, I am filled with gratitude for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who is the master brick layer and architect of this fortress, which we call family. He is the only one who can remove the crumbling, unfit, self-centered bricks and replace them with solid, strong and healthy bricks. He is the one who infuses the mortar with the love and strength that holds everything permanently together. Without His guidance, His example, His correction, His forgiveness and His perfect love, our family castle would be a faulty, weak, and ugly shack which would be destroyed by the slightest breeze. It's His master touch that creates all beauty and makes the brick walls of our castle radiate with warmth, strength and love. He is the master builder and architect of our lives and all he asks of us for compensation is that we put our trust in Him and follow His example. So, today, rather than feeling sad, distraught and panicky about the changes happening in our family, I feel hope, excitement and peace because I trust the Master Builder and I know that His designs never end or fail and that He is constantly helping us to build a brighter and more glorious future...brick by brick.